www.NeilGilmer.com: Some much needed hospital humor

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Some much needed hospital humor

This is one of Dad's favorite stories. (He tells it better than I.) When I was a kid I was rough housing with a friend in the basement in Battle Creek. Well, long story short, I pulled a muscle behind my knee. Though at the time I figured I had broken my leg or worse. So Dad gets a call at the office from my friend about the bad news- he drops what he is doing at work and hurries home and calls the ambulance as soon as he gets there (or maybe before he left the office.) The emergency crew from the ambulance took me up the stairs (with some difficulty) on a stretcher and out of the house by ambulance to the hospital. We got right in in front of all the waiting people in the ER who had no doubt been there quite a while, with much less melodrama than I upon their entering. About 15 minutes later I come strolling out with Dad to the same ER waiting room that I had been rushed through just a few minutes previously on a stretcher in tremendous pain. The Dr. rubbed the muscle pull out and I was 100% fine, like nothing ever happened- good as new. Dad said the look on these other patient's face was just priceless as I walked out of the hospital with not so much as a limp. They must have thought either this is the greatest hospital in the world or these two guys (father and son) are complete idiots. I'm guessing the price of the ambulance, hospital and Dr. bills was worth the look on these people's faces to Dad.

Dean

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Retirement Highligts, Selected Works, J Neil Gilmer, Part I June 1999 (Editor's note: fundamental reading if you sell anything)

AKA NEILISMS:

1. Excellent customer service generally baffles most buyers, so baffle them. Remember, a good deal is normally a perception.
2. Never, never leave money on the table!
3. Charging what the market will bear is fundamentally a good idea! But don't make it obvious.
4. Price leaders generally fool themselves -- with help from the friendly buyer.
5. Two rules apply here:
a. We're here to make money
b. Never forget "A" above
6. Part number and design changes are our best friends.
7. Buyers generally do not give you the whole story -- only the portion that is favorable to them or a version that you'll use to defeat yourself.
8. Most engineers like to play buyer.
9. Remember, if you start a little high, you'll have some room to make the buyer look good. Plus, you will generally obtain a fair price or terms. We should not feel we are above this tactic.
10. Never reveal difficulties that go beyond the scope of the question or task at hand. Remember, perceptions are very important.
11. Price alone is not our game. Differentiate yourself from the pack. Find it and use it.
12. Your competitors have weakness. Find them and exploit them. Be careful, however, not to "bad mouth" your competitor.
13. Your competitor's communication problems are generally worse than yours. Why? You are more effective and persistent then he/she.
14. Most situations generally are a result of an improbable series of blunders and incredible oversights. This is the normal human condition throughout history. Small improvements here put you in a unique position relative to the pack. Plan ahead so screwups don't happen as much.

Things Just Seem to Be This Way (1-42), Selected Works, June 1999 (continued)

1. Competitors who give away samples are in the best possible position to judge their true worth. Samples that are sold at a reasonable price invariably indicate a funded customer program.
2. Prevention is well down the priority list.
3. Small daily applications of maintenance to seemingly mundane matters prevent panics at the most inappropriate times.
4. Closets and desks always somehow manage to be full.
5. Two birds in the bush are more than enough to initiate a development program.
6. Salespeople who allow expense reports to fall into arrears convince everyone that account coverage and price increases are probably in worse shape.
7. Thinking big generally scares everyone
8. An idea before its time is functionally equivalent to no idea at all.
9. People seem to always manage to do what they want to do.
10. Bright and shiny are frequently confused with quality. This can be exploited upon occasion.
11. When it comes to either the principle or the money, you can be 99% certain it's the money.
12. More is generally learned from a customer at lunch, dinner or a social event than all day in his or her office. The CIA and KGB know well this concept. Cloak and dagger is generally appealing anyway.
13. The bigger the customer, the more probably it is that someone there doesn't like you.
14. Associates may not have difficulty keeping secrets, it's just the people they tell that have trouble. Best kept secrets are generally not interesting.
15. Profits concern buyers much more than they bothered Karl Marx.
16. Paradoxically, most corporations secretly desire to be a monopoly while simultaneously extolling the virtues of a competitive market.
17. Rumors generally have some basis in fact.
18. Contingency plans generally imply that the prime path may be flawed. A show ticket is a kind of contingency plan. The scientific approach is almost always trial and error in clever disguise.
19. When more and more data are needed, you should be convinced that there is extreme difficulty in making a decision.
20. Grey is normally the shade. Black or white is easy pickin's, so it generally never gets to you.
21. A good memory is an excuse for a poor filing system.
22. Never use the word, "bottom line" in a negotiation unless you really mean it.
23. Whether it is or not, your buyer should always believe that he's getting a good deal.
24. The more specific the instructions, the more confused someone becomes.
25. Written instructions are seldom acted upon unless confirmed verbally.
26. To make sure that somewhat important written information is promptly read, put it in a confidential envelope.
27. "Rush" generally means someone screwed up somewhere. This is normally an opportunity in disguise.
28. Only B.S. when you know the subject inside and out.
29. A ringing phone will frequently pre-empt personal appearance.
30. A buyer will try to discount technical support, etc., to manipulate you into the price arena. That's his job -- expect it.
31. "What have you done for me today?", is frequently all that matter.
32. Beware of the deal that offers the buyer the honeymoon tonight for the marriage tomorrow.
33. Decision by intuition is generally: experience x insufficient information / time bind
34. Never forget that J-I-T really means almost late.
35. Finger pointing has become the norm in our culture.
36. Some people really enjoy being mad.
37. Animal behavior is remarkably familiar. Tired horses always manage to run to the barn at the end of the day.
38. The best plans generally overlook something.
39. We should avoid self-embarrassment by telling all we know.
40. Part of the story is always good for a snap judgment.
41. After carefully analyzing all the facts, it is normal to rush off and make an emotional decision.
42. "Getting even" generally has a higher price than expeted.

(more to come later on this post)